I've got you now.
That's it, my little misunderstood friend.
Nibble the powdery cinnamon bliss.
No! Your path ends in death!
(woman screams)
(baby cries)
(baby giggles)
(people gasp)
Nooooooo!
You have been saved. No charge.
Aaargh!
This is certainly an ironic situation,
with an apex predator there and me over here,
holding this little guy at the bottom of the food chain and all.
Hey, Mom! Look what I found.
Ace Irwin Ventura, get out of that habitat and away from that man-eating alligator this instant!
OK.
Stay!
Aaaaargh!
- How many times have I told y ou? - A million.
- Visiting me... ...is a privilege.
- And this is the last time I get to come here if I'm... ...going to behave this way.
- I'm serious, Ace. - You're alway s serious, Mom.
- And do y ou knowwhy? - Because y ou're not gonnalose me like y ou lost Dad.
I'm sorry, Mom. I don't knowwhy I had to save him, I just did.
It's a mouse, Ace.
That's why we have traps here.
You are not - I repeat, not - responsible for every stray animal
in every corner of this planet.
- I'm not? - No!
Now give me the mouse.
And the hedgehog.
And the guinea pig.
And the ferret.
And the toad.
Oh! There we go.
What?
- Baby gator. - What baby gator?
Fine. Here.
Nowy ou're late for school. Let's go.
- Hey, what's that? - Ace!
- What's going on over here? - Honey. Honey, come back here.
- Ace. OK, look... - Pong Ping?
The Chinese governmentloaned us Pong Ping and Ting Tang, the world's mostfamous pandas.
There's gonna be an unveiling nextweek. Now...
I know. I promise.
No try ing to find missing pets or helping animals or any thing.
- Even if they're about to get run over. - OK, that's notwhat I mean.
And I will try to be normal.
Thank y ou, A.J. Nowwill y ou please go to school?
OK.
(bell rings)
(Ace Jr.) Normal.
Normal.
Must be normal.
(boy) Tara, is it true what happened to y our pet?
Yeah. I woke up this morning and my pet rabbit Mimzy was totally gone.
Rabbit. Mimzy. Lost!
- Of course we're depressed. - Our skunk's been missing twwo weeks.
We're emotional wrecks about it.
I will be normal.
- My friend can'tfind her chinchilla. - (boy) This is really weird.
It's an animal-nabbing epidemic!
- (boy) Laura, what abouty ou? - You think that's bad?
The other day, Greeny, my incredibly rare emerald-green koi fish, vanished out of the aquarium.
Aargh!
(PA) Yourattention, please. I have some sad news.
Mr. Chompers, ourbeloved swim-team mascot, has gone missing.
(all) Awww.
Any studentwith information is requested to reportto the pool immediately.
Well, he's gone.
Do y ou know where our mascot is or not?
- Well, I wouldn't say I knowwhere he is. - Buty ou knowwho took him?
- Not exactly. - Buty ou have some kind oflead?
- Define "lead." - Forget this loser.
No. Wait! I can find him.
- What makes y ou think that? - I just... know I can.
Ooh, what are y ou? Some kind of pet...
finder guy?
(girls laugh)
Just give me four day s. What have y ou got to lose?
You got 72 hours.
OK. 72 hours.
That's like... twwo weeks.
That's great!
(dog barks)
I knowwhat Mom said, but this is important. She won'tfind out.
(whimpers)
Cowboy up, dog, because we're notjust gonna go find Mr. Chompers.
I hear a whole lot oflost pets calling my name.
(rings bell)
That'll do it.
- This is the busiest intersection in town, Ox. - (brakes screech and carcrashes)
Thousands of people will see this.
Recognize y our Mimzy?
- No. - Number three, hop to the right.
Uh-oh. Number one justwent number twwo.
Numberfour, stop doing that to number three!
Would y ou guy s stop multiply ing?
Well, how about now?
Lost hamster. Milk for Milton.
Help find Milton. Runaway rodent.
Do a brother a solid. Milk for Milton.
Please, help find Milton.
- I found Milton! - No. Uh-uh.
I didn'tfind Milton.
Offensive action! Three, twwo, one.
(both fart)
(skunk splutters)
Now, that's offensive.
- Stop toy ing with our emotions. - That's not Breezy, moron!
- (girl) Skunk! - (girls scream)
Waaaaah!
It's called "papering the town," Oxnard.
Avery effective method for disseminating information.
(Ox barks)
That's not true. I treat every one of my missing pets exactly the same, no matterwho they belong to.
Well, here we are, Ox.
Casa de Laura Wilson's house.
- The scene of the crime. - (barks)
Sorry, old friend. Now's not the time to tell Laura how I feel.
- (Ox barks) - I am not scared to talk to her.
(Ox growls)
Oh, y ou think so, huh? Yeah, well, watch and learn, Puppy Chow.
We'll find her pet, and then I'll find time to express how I really feel.
- Hi, Ace. - (shoutss) Oh, my God, y ou're pretty!
- What? - (Ox whimpers)
Um...
Your koi fish.
She's itty-bitty.
Yeah, she sure is.
Much like a grunion.
Stand aside, ma'am. Clues don'tfind themselves, y ou know.
Oxnard, while I'm y oung?
Crime scene is secure. No sign of forced entries.
Initial suspects include the scuba man and the treasure chest.
Rememberwhen I brought her into school as part of my report on unusual animals?
The next morning when I woke up, Greeny was gone.
Really?
Case number 349A49320451.
Neptune-Alpha-Charlie-Horse.
Missing green koi fish. Answers to Greeny.
Question. Have y ou tried calling her?
- Calling her? She's a fish. - Uh-uh-uh.
- May I? - Sure.
(gargles) Greeny!
Greeny! Greeny!
Greeny!
Yoo-hoo!
- Well, she's gone. - Yeah.
Owner is one Laura Wilson.
Smart, funny, greatlistener. (sniffs)
Excellent personal hy giene,
a smile that'll make y ou feel like pudding inside
and skin like peaches and cream.
Exceptfor may be this one spot on her perfectly formed chin.
- Possibly a pimple? - A pimple? Where?!
- Oh, I'm such an idiot. - (barks)
No one asked y ou. Um...
Oxnard and I must be going now.
Anyw way, y our collection of aquatic friends will have their emerald companion back in...
- (clock ticks) - (bell chimes)
...three day s.
- Really? - I promise.
You broke y our promise. What did I tell y ou?
That I'm not responsible for the well-being of every stray animal in every corner of the planet.
- But, Mom, I had to. - Do y ou think I like scooping poop all day? I don't.
I got this job so y ou could see animals as much as y ou want, when y ou want,
safely and with complete supervision.
Yeah, but it's not the same, OK?
I want to find lost animals. I love it.
OK, I tried every other extracurricular activity y ou wanted me to
and I mastered them all.
What?
(sings loudly) Aaaaaaaaaah!
Next.
(blows whistle)
Bananas.
P-r-e-t-t-y. Pretty.
- (man) That is correct. - (applause)
Yourword is "antidisestablishmentarianism."
P-r-e-t-t-y.
- Pretty. - (buzzer)
(sniffs)
- This was a dumb idea! - (loud splash)
Aaaaaargh! Argh!
OK, may be I didn't master all of them,
but may be athletics aren't my calling.
W-wait, was Dad an athlete?
A good speller? An entertainer?
This is not abouty our dad. We'll talk about him another time.
- Mom, y ou alway s say that. - I'm not ready for that talk y et.
- We can have itwhen y ou're older. - (Ox burps)
I am older, Mom. I'm 12 y ears old and I'm starting to have all these weird feelings
and I don't have a dad for...
"that talk."
Honey, every body y our age has those feelings.
No, Mom. (slurps noisily)
Not these feelings.
That's it! You are not eating out of a dog bowl, y ou are not sticking y our head out of a carwindow
and y ou'll use the toiletfor something other than drinking. You'll be like other kids!
- But, Mom, this is who I am. - No, it's not.
It's who y ou're acting like.
(panda squeals)
(panda roars)
(pandas whine)
Huh?!
(fartss)
- Morning. - Good morning, Mom.
- Hey, what's with that hat on? - What hat?
- Ace. - It's what all the kids are doing.
You said y ou wanted me to be like them, so here y ou go.
Not at the table.
Mom. Mom, the cereal!
- Oh, my God. - What?
- It's happening. - What is it?
(man) Puty our hands up!
Stay still!
Don't move!
- Melissa Ventura? - Yeah.
Oh, wow. One more punch and y ou get a free y ogurt.
What? "The Cinnamon Hippo"? Is thatlike Chuck E Cheese?
Never mind that. Russell Hollander, NBFW.
- National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife. - Smart kid. I'm in charge here.
Do y ou have any idea how often they let a member of Fish and Wildlife lead a SWAT team?
Yeah. Never. You guy s don't even get badges. You wear patches.
Give me that. I'll have y ou arrested for assaulting a federal officer.
OK, fine. Jeez. But, technically, police dogs outrank y ou.
- (man) Ranger Hollander? They're towing y our car, sir. - Again?
(Melissa) Wait. Can'ty ou just tell us whaty ou're looking for?
Your case is the biggest in history. They're calling guy s back from Alaska for this. Play ing dumb isn't gonna work.
You left alot of evidence at the scene, Mrs. Ventura. We found y our shoeprints all over the place.
- In English, Ranger Smith. - Ting Tang has been stolen.
My mom works for the zoo. Of course her prints are there.
And y our bank accounts show y ou live pay check-to-pay check.
I suspect a panda cub brings big bucks on the black market.
We've found something, sir!
What is this?
- Your ransom note? - Somebody sent that. I don't even knowwhat it means.
- And this. - A tranquilizer gun.
- Sir, y ourfinger... prints. - Recently fired.
They give us all tranquilizer guns. I used it to sedate a chimpanzee.
Thatwas actually very funny. He grabbed this tourist's leg and started...
That's enough, Ace.
Melissa Ventura,
y ou're under arrest.
- What? (snarls and growls) - Whoa, whoa!
Down, boy! Down, boy! Down, boy! Down! Down!
(snarls)
It's all been a mistake. This has all been a mistake. There y ou go. There we go. We'll sort it all out.
That's so good. It's like chocolate. Mm. They're so addictive.
(gasps)
- (Hollander) Come on. - Not until I make a call for someone to stay with my son.
- Give her the cellphone. - Mom, I'll find Ting Tang.
No. You promised. I don'twanty ou to do any thing, Ace.
One call.
- OK, while y ou walk. Come on. - I'm gonna call his grandfather.
But, Mom, Grandpa's gonna be on a cruise for anotherfourweeks.
- I'm calling y our other grandpa. - What other grandpa?
Grandpa...
- Ventura. - Huh?
Rex? It's Melissa.
(coughing and wheezing)
(coughing continues)
Come on, Spark. Come on, Spark.
Sorry about that.
Hello, Ace.
Grandpa?
First thing, y our mom is fine.
She's gonna have a bail hearing on Friday. You can see her then.
(wheezes)
(coughs)
Darn hairballs. What can y ou do?
My cat's on his eighth life.
There are some spots he's simply too old to lick himself.
(retches)
(coughs)
- Too much information. - Well, Ace, I haven't seen y ou since y ou were a baby.
What are y ou now? 84?
- Grandpa, I'm 12. - Right. Dog y ears.
84 y ears old.
I'll bety ou're helping animals by now, aren'ty ou?
Come on, show me y our office.
Come on, Sparky. Come on, Sparky. Here we go.
Attaboy.
So, these are the animals y ou're try ing to find, huh?
Well, I was, but then Mom said itwas too dangerous.
Re-he-eally?
(Laura) Hi, Ace.
- You obsess much? - What? About Laura? No, not really.
Sometimes. May be. Yeah, I do.
- Hey, Grandpa, can I ask y ou a question? - Sure thing.
Whatwas my dad like?
Well, what did y our mom tell y ou about him?
Nothing. She say s that he disappeared on a business trip when I was a baby
and that I'm too y oung to know the rest.
Yeah, well, y our mom's got good reasons why she doesn'twant to talk about him.
But can I ask y ou this?
Have y ou everwondered why y ou keep looking forlost animals?
- Because... - Because why?
- I don't know. - Because y ou're a Ventura!
AVentura.
Now, although it took along time for our ancestors to develop a kinship
with the animal world,
eventually, we won them over.
Even the carnivores.
Down through history, the Venturaline continued,
including Charles Ventura Darwin.
You knowwho he was, don'ty ou?
He was the evolution guy, right?
Survival of the least loo-hoo-hoo-oser-est.
Did y ou know a Ventura would never harm an animal?
One of y our ancestors, the greatAntarctic explorer Sir ErnestVentura Shackleton.
Although he and his crewwere starving to death, they would not eat a penguin.
Jacques Ventura Cousteau,
who invented the scuba suit
so thatfinally man could commune with his watery brethren.
Itfitlike a glove.
So, y ou see, Ace Jr., the Venturaline has along and storied career
of animal advocacy,
communion and search and rescue.
Well, was my dad like the other Venturas?
I've probably said too much already,
buty our mom was in trouble and I thoughty ou needed to know.
So, whaty ou're say ing is that I should go out and try to find Ting Tang?
I'm not say ing any thing.
I'm just say ing.
Say ing what?
Your Y chromosome has the Ventura mutation.
You're one of us.
- Come on, Sparky. - Um... Grandpa, I'm...
I'm pretty sure he's dead.
He's not dead. He's sleeping.
Come on. Did y ou hearwhat he said? My goodness.
My goodness!
(grunting)
Hey, if I say over the wall, it's over the wall. Don't be a maverick. Let's go.
Aaaargh!
Jeez! I didn't know the lunch lady had a nightjob.
(Hollander) "Russell Hollander, NBFW CSl: Orlando."
I like the way that sounds. I left no stone unturned, no clue undiscovered.
Case closed, Melissa Ventura.
- You are guilty. - That guy is one big-time sick monkey, my friend.
(growls)
Case number 349A49320452. Alpha-Beta-Delta-Airlines.
Missing panda cub. Answers to Ting Tang.
Or, if y ou speak Panda, "Grrrrr."
On loan from national government.
Country: China.
Crime scene shows no sign of disturbance.
As expected, my mom's shoeprints are everyw where.
And the only other prints are panda...
Or are they?
Holy roly-poly!
- I knew it. - (Pong Ping growls)
Uh-oh.
Hey, look, Pong Ping, I'm a family friend.
I knewy our uncle when he was here. Chan Chin, or...
Uh, Bing Bang, or...
Hong Kong? Wang Chung?
(growls sorrowfully)
You miss y our cub?
Yeah, I miss my mom, too.
But I found some really important clues while I was here.
(Pong Ping whines)
I'm not the world's greatest, uh...
pet sleuth?
Finder? Investigator? I don't know.
But...
but I'll try.
I promise.
Hey, kid! Are y ou Arnold Plushinski?
Yeah, but call me A-Plus. Aargh!
(boy) You're dead, Plushinski! I mean it!
Move!
Uh-oh. That can't be good.
(girls scream)
(computerized voice) Proximityy alert. Proximityy alert. Prox...
Just give up the gummies, Plushinski, and the horrorwill end!
Never!
Excuse me.
Move!
Argh! Aaargh!
Move it! Get out of the way!
Where is he? You can't hide the gummies forever, Plushinski!
Where'd he go?
(bell rings)
Hello?
A-Plus?
(A-Plus) Why are y ou talking to me?
- Who just said that? - (A-Plus) No one ever talks to me, except bullies.
You're not gonna beat me up, are y ou?
No. I need y our help.
(A-Plus) Oh. In here.
What the...
(loudly) Awesome!
(whispers) Awesome.
Holy cellar-dweller, Batman!
This place is... How did y ou build this?
This whole place was forgotten about during a renovation, but I found a way in.
Made my lab.
I can't believe I have a friend
and I didn't even have to grow him in a petri dish.
Oh, my God, those are giant gummy worms.
Hey! Uh, st...
- That's a bully-tracking device. - Huh?
They transmit to my GPS here.
A bully eats a harmless-Iooking candy and it gets into his digestive tract.
I can track him for up to 18 hours.
- 12 if he eats chili. - Ugh!
So, how can I help y ou...
friend?
Um... I have some measurements that I need analyz zed.
(Ace Jr.) These printss are 1.5mm deep, as differentiated from these, which are 2.3mm
and these, which are 5mm.
Fascinating, Captain. These measurements clearly indicate prints made by three different organisms,
weighing approximately 125Ibs,
183.253Ibs
and 390Ibs respectively.
So, any thing else?
Howlong would it take for y ou to hack into a website called "wwww.pandafanatic.com"?
We're in like Tolkien. Here's a picture of the guy who runs the site.
His email address is m.sickinger@penningtoncorp.net.
Pennington Corporation. That's Pennington Jr.'s father's company.
- Oh, he's so cool. - Isn't that the kid who rides to school in the limousine?
Yes. And he's extraordinarily popular.
Of all the tables in the cafeteria, his is the furthest away from mine.
(snortss with laughter)
- Do y ou mind if I keep one of these? - Of course.
OK. I'll just... I'll just, um...
be on my way.
I'll be on my way. I will talk to y ou later.
Really? And y ou won't even pretend like I'm not there or give me a swirly?
- No, no. - Awesome!
(whines)
- (Ace Jr.) Grandpa, I'm pretty sure he's dead. - No!
He's just a good actor.
Dead dogs don't get dinner.
(whimpers)
Huh. All right.
Hard day at the office?
It's just that I found all these clues to help Mom's case,
but to do that, I had to break my promise to her.
So, y ou're working on a case?
- Yeah. - You knowwhat they call those working on cases?
Yeah. Cops.
Face it, Grandpa. I'm just a kid who lied to his mom. I don't knowwhat to do.
Well, y ou can start by being who y ou are.
Who y ou were born to be.
Now, ly ing to y our mom is one thing,
butly ing to y ourself, Ace Jr...
Son, thatleads to alife of disappointment.
That's not normal.
I will be normal.
Hah!
Hi, this is Pennington Jr. With a very special message justforyou.
You're invited to my birthday partyy. Lucky you.
(murmurs) Yes, I'm invited. I'm invited.
- I'm invited! - (all cheer)
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Press.
Perez Ventura. I'm here to interview Pennington Jr.
- Not on the list. - List? Whatlist? I don't care about no stinking list!
I'm with the Daily Rumor Mill.
School paper. Familiarwith freedom of the press?
It's in something called the Constitution. You should read it sometime.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't Taser me, bro. First-Amendmentviolation.
(clicks fingers) Let him through.
(man) Put him down, boy s.
(camera clicks)
That's admissible evidence. I haven't been humiliated like this since they started making us shower after P.E. Ugh!
We're on a tight schedule. You got three minutes.
(camera clicks)
Is that a forest up there? Man, y ou gotta clip those nose hairs.
You could make a teddy bear out of that.
Wow.
- You cleaned up Big Foot here real nice. - We pride ourselves on good relations with the press.
But the invitations have been recorded. There's really nothing I can do.
- (man) Waiter, lunch. - Please, take this pass.
Itwill gety ou into the gy mnasium on the day of the party, where we'll be webcasting the whole thing.
- It'll make headlines. - Oh, that's terrific, sport. Here's a fewfor y ou.
"Billionaire Boy In Liposuction Incident."
Or, "I Had Pennington Jr.'s Alien Love Baby." I'm greatwith Photoshop.
You're threatening to blackmail me unless I give y ou information.
I'm a paparazzi. It's what I do.
But I will get off y our back if y ou tell me about this guy.
Dr. Michael Sickinger. A brilliant scientist who worked for our animal-genetics laboratory.
- It's one of the finest. - Indubitably.
Unfortunately, he's quite insane.
- Incontinently. - He harbors a bizarre hatred for pandas.
Incomprehensibly. Does he still work for y ourfather?
Oh, no. We fired him just a fewweeks ago.
I believe he's now the chief of non-telegenic species research at the Dinosaur Fossils Foundation.
- What? - I don't knowwhat it means either. Ask him y ourself.
Oh, I will.
By e-by e, then. Every shot I take, a Picasso.
No touching the camera!
- Where is my rabbit, loser? - Nice to see y ou too, Tara.
You were supposed to find Breezy a week ago.
- You owe us for the extra therapy session. - I can't comment on an ongoing investigation.
Argh! Holy magenta! You guy s looklike a box of cray ons.
Uh-oh!
Why do y ou alway s travel in a flock?
Ladies, is this really necessary? Can'twe talk this over like civilized adults? You can IM me and I'll texty ou back.
You said I had 72 hours!
- You've had eight day s. - Two kinds of people, people.
- People that pee in the pool and people who lie about it. - Find Mr. Chompers or go swimming again tomorrow.
(bell rings)
(girls laugh)
(imitates girls'laughter)
- What? - Get to class, Ventura.
I gotta break into Dr. Sickinger's office so y ou can upload his hard drive.
(A-Plus) Oh, I can only do that in my lab.
Would y ou get out of there? Come on, the coast is clear.
- Sounds like a three-man job. Hey, why are y ou all we... - (shoutss angry gibberish)
...with the wet, OK?
About the three-man job.
I know someone. But it's gonna take all my power of persuasion
to convince this beautiful animal-Iover to commit alevel-five felony.
Please help me break into the Dinosaur Fossil Foundation
so we can stop the guy who stole Ting Tang and save my mom before she's sent to prison!
Um... OK.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Are those from my mom's garden? - Nah.
Shut up.
Right this way, folks. Stick together.
OK.
You are all in for a very special treat -
the rarest, most complete tyrannosaur skeleton in existence.
It has an estimated value of $100 million.
Uh-huh.
Do not touch it.
- $100 million? - You wanty ourfish back, y ou're hot?
"Or not?" Don'tworry, this plan is gravy.
Every body, stay close. We're on a tight schedule.
- Oh, a T. Rex. Cool. - I'm sorry, sir. No pets allowed.
He's my Seeing Ey e dog.
He's facing backwards.
And y ou're not blind.
I can see again! I can see!
It's a miracle! It's a miracle!
- Sir. I mean it, y ou... - Fine. I'll take him off.
I'm so sorry about all this.
- Make him stop doing that! - He's a dog, it's a bone. Do the math.
Wha...
Oh. Oh, jeez. Oxnard Hueneme Carpinteria Ventura, y ou get back here right now!
Sir, that is a priceless skeleton unearthed in the Bad Lands...
Please! This thing's lasted millions of y ears.
- It's going to survive alittle doggy love nibble. - (crunch)
May be not.
Oh!
OK. OK. I told y ou itwould work. Now go. I'll meety ou in the dinosaur cavern. Go.
Security!
- (man) Have y ou seen alittle kid run past here? - Come on, let's go!
- A-Plus, are y ou there? - Affirmative. This is so cool. Now I have twwo friends.
Let's starta band. Do you play an instrument?
I used to play the bagpipes, butmy legs are too skinnyfora kilt.
Come on! I'm in the office and it's really freaky in here. Tell me what to do.
Ohhh! Argh!
(man) Don'tlet him get away! He went this way!
(man #2) That's him!
Aaargh! Oh!
OK. Your program's running.
- Oh, one otherthing. - What?
In my instant messenger, can I move y ou from "Contacts" to "Buddies"?
- No. - Can I puty ou on my fave five?
- No. - My Space add?
Denied.
Butwe're friends now, right?
Sure, A-Plus. We're friends.
And y ou're a girl, right?
Duh.
So I can call y ou my girlfriend, right?
Ewww! Not!
Fine, be thatway.
- (man #1) There he goes! There he goes! - (man #2) Get out of my way! No, I'm going first!
You...
OK, it's finished.
(man) He's over there!
Beep beep!
- Copy that. - (man) Come here, kid!
Come here!
(men shoutangrily)
(man) Owwwww!
Argh!
Jeez! With the sneaking up on me, OK?
- Mission accomplished. Where's Ox? - Well, I don't know. He's alone wolf.
- You're putting that bone back. - Fine.
(man) All right, he's in the tunnel! Give me a flashlight. Let's go! This way!
Whoa!
(man) Stay where y ou are!
Fan out.
Do y ou Heely?
(# "Anthem"by Zebrahead)
- Shall we? - Let's do.
Fun time's over.
Go!
Hey, that's my girl!
Goty ou!
Goty ou! (whistles)
Vámonos!
- (Laura) You're not gonnalet him keep that? - I'll put it backlater. Good job, Ox.
Where are the kids?
Where did they go? Which way?
Bunch of idiots! Oh, man.
Herfinancial situation is dire and, as the bears' keeper,
she has ready access to the panda house at any time.
The agency's skilled forensics team has concluded
that the only fresh footprints at the crime scene belong to Mrs. Ventura.
I object!
Excuse me. Who are y ou?
Ace Ventura Darrow Hutz Junior, Esquire,
of the following lawfirms - one minute -
Dewey, Fleeceum & Grab, Wiley, Little & Weasel,
Shakem, Down & Hard, Cheap, Ambulance & Chaser,
Imontha, Take & Lovitt, Ben, Dover & Grunt,
and the non-profit Mater Innocentus.
My mom is innocent. Your Honor, I represent the defendant.
Your Honor, this is ridiculous.
He's a 12-y ear-old behavioral case and the defendant's son.
This is a bail hearing. Character is pertinent.
Continue, y oung man.
Ow, that must have hurt, and it's only gonna getworse. Pay attention.
- Thank y ou, paralegal Laura. - You're very welcome.
(Ace Jr. Fartss)
- Come on, Your Honor! - Pardon me, Your Honor. My bad.
- Thank y ou, pretty paralegal Laura. - You're very welcome, Mr. Esquire.
Come on, boy s.
Drop it. (gruntss) OK, I'm good, I'm good.
The only footprints thatAgent Hollander and his personal CSI - Complete Stupid Idiots -
found at the scene were...
(breathless) OK, alittle help. It's getting really heavy, bailiffs. Please!
And let me remind y ou, y ou're under oath!
- I'm not. - I want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
Be seated, y ou maggot, immediately, if not sooner!
Anyw way, the only footprints that Ranger Blockhead found in the habitat,
besides my mom's shoeprints, were panda prints.
The average panda weighs 352Ibs, with a body mass index of 21.34.
At overfive feet in length, the panda has slightly offsetweight distribution.
They use a thumb-like sesamoid bone for stability,
and would create a 5mm-deep footprint.
But, as y ou can see, these are 2.3mm-deep footprints,
that I just created by adding 75Ibs to my weight.
A man weighing 183Ibs would indeed establish a print depth of 2.3mm.
We are looking for a 183Ibs man, not a... Mom, how much do y ou weigh?
- 110. - You wanna be free or not?
- 135. ...135Ibs woman.
If the footprints don'tfit, y ou must acquit.
(applause)
- Order! Order! - (Ace Jr.) Thank y ou, thank y ou!
That's Ventura with a V, as in victory.
I plead for acquittal, Your Honor.
Game, set, match. Cut, print, moving on, and scene.
Let me get this straight. You trespassed on a federal crime scene.
Or y ou're just making all this up.
Um... Well...
It's a hypothesis. A theory, if y ou will.
Well, that's terrific, tiger. But, listen, right now, the grown-ups have to send y our mommy to jail...
unless someone else wants to put on a Halloween costume and vandalize the courtroom?
(laughter)
Order! I'm sorry, y oung man.
It's an interesting theory, but this case involves an endangered species, international relations.
Bail is set at $500,000.
Melissa Ventura, y ou're remanded to the custody of the state of Florida.
Ace, where did y ou get all that information?
- You promised y ou wouldn't... - But Grandpa said...
- He carries around a dead dog, Ace. - It's not dead, it's just sleeping.
I thought I could help y ou solve the case by finding Ting Tang or something,
but no one believes me, not even y ou.
Of course I do. I just don'twant to lose y ou.
- Like y ou lost Dad? - Yeah, like I lost Dad.
I realize now that no matterwhat I say, y ou're gonna be who y ou are.
I wanty ou to know the truth abouty our dad.
I just didn't talk about him orwhat he did because I...
I didn'twanty ou to follow in his footsteps.
What happened to him?
He was on a case.
Using an ultralight plane, he was leading a flock of disabled Canadian snow geese
back to theirwinter breeding ground in Miami.
They said that he got disoriented,
and he vanished from radar somewhere over the Bermuda Triangle.
Oh, Ace.
Time is up. Gotta gety ou on the bus.
I've been saving something for y ou.
Yourfather bought this.
He wanted y ou to have it when y ou were old enough, and nowy ou are.
Look up in the attic. You'll find it there.
- No, Mom, I promise, I'll be normal. - Be who y ou are, Ace!
Hollanderwill find the pandanapper and we'll be a family again.
- I love y ou, Ace! - I love y ou, Mom.
Ace, I'm so sorry.
So what do we do now?
Nothing. I'm aloser. It's over.
Sorry abouty our koi fish.
Come on, Ox.
Hey, Laura, where the heck is Bermuda?
I have no idea.
That's notwhat I think it is, is it?
I guess.
Your mom gave that to y ou?
Yeah, but it's not important.
What about the animals?
Animals have never brought me any thing but trouble.
I gotta be like every one else, Grandpa.
- You can't. - Well, I will if it kills me.
You'll never be like every one else, 'cause y ou're one in a million.
Justlike y our ancestors.
Justlike y ourfather.
Eaty our own food, Ox.
I've been try ing to gety ou to figure this out,
but I guess I'm just gonna have to come out and say it.
- Say what? - The magic word.
Don'ty ou knowwhaty ou are?
I'm a kid, right?
You're more than that.
You're a pet...
detective.
- Like my dad? - Yeah.
- Whatwas he like? - Justlike y ou.
And y ou know,
this thing y ou threw away,
this is the key to y ourfuture.
All righty, then.
(# "Ace Is In The House"by Tone Loc)
- Nice outfiit. - Let's talk fashion.
Tara's wearing the latest in the "Spoiled and Shallow" collection. Love the shoes. Hate y ou!
Ventura, our therapist said for us to order y ou to stop inflicting emotional damage on us.
Franken Berry called. Count Chocula wants his wardrobe back. And the sun's out.
Get back in y our caskets. Is there a veterinarian in the house?
Because these are some sick puppies.
Hey, watch the hair! Oxnard, I need y ou!
Time for another motivational dunking, dork!
- No, buty ou don't underst... - (Ox barks)
Jeez, next time y ou're late like that, I'm buy ing a cat.
(Ox barks)
Tell y our dog to back off, Ventura!
Are y ou crazy? I'm not going near him! He looks rabid.
And he can smell y ourfear.
(barks)
You are Spartan!
- What about our alligator? - I told y ou I'd find him, and I will.
But right now, I've got biggerfish to fry.
Oxnard! Allons-y, muchacho!
Oh, and sorry about that whole buy ing a cat thing.
Ace?
Ventura...
Junior.
Pet Detective.
Um... OK.
- What's wrong? - The question, y oung Laura, is what is right?
The answer - every thing.
- So y ou feel like solving that case? - I thoughty ou gave up.
Even Tiger Woods shanks one from time to time.
But the past is past.
- Now, A-Plus. - Wow! This table is great.
I looked through Sickinger's hard drive. He's a biological researcher
specializing in non-telegenic endangered organisms.
- In English, Mr. Spock. - He advocates for ugly animals.
He planned a demonstration forlike-minded activists at a publicity stop for a famous feline.
OK, I didn't understand a word y ou just said,
exceptfor "ugly animals" and "Sickinger."
He's organizing a protest at Tabby the Tabby's autograph session
at the Animal Actors Studio at Universal, Orlando.
Itlooks like we're going on a field trip.
L'chaim!
I'll take a few of these for the road. 2% next time.
- Field trip? Wait, do I need a permission slip? - No, y ou don't!
Have a meow-tastic day. Thanks for coming.
Tabby say s, "Have a meow-tastic day."
Thanks for coming. Tabby say s, "Have a meow-tastic day!"
There's Sickinger!
No justice, no peace! Equal treatmentfor ugly species!
Take him down! He's an ecoterrorist!
Cease and desist immediately, or I'll be forced to use this!
Don't even think about moving! Slow down! Just stop!
(speakerblares)
- Don't Tase me, bro! - Get him!
No justice, no peace! No justice, no...
- We shall not be silenced! - Be quiet!
Ugly animals of the world, unite!
- You have nothing to lose... - This guy is crazy.
...buty ourleashes!
- We shall not be silenced! - (Taserbuzzes)
- Ow! - (woman screams)
Tabby is gone!
Find Tabby! Tabby's gone!
Yikes! Tabby's been nabbied.
- Tabby! - This is bigger than I thought.
Sickinger must be running some sort of criminal animal-napping netwwork.
Oh, the humanity! Tabby!
I knowy ou don'twant to, Ace, buty ou better talk to Hollander.
Now he'll listen to y ou.
- You're notlistening! - I'm sorry, what?
Dr. Sickinger - we saw him creating a distraction at the Animal Actors stadium when Tabby vanished!
This is a major criminal netwwork. We have evidence.
- Tabby the Tabby. - Catnapped.
- Ting Tang. - You knowwhat happened to him.
- Princess. - Championship West Highland terrier.
Her Majesty was stolen from a meaningless international dog showlastweek!
- Freedom the Hawk. - Mascotfor Stars and Stripes Burger Company.
His freedom was taken when he was stolen from the Jacksonville veterinarian!
They even took Snuggles, the fabric softening bear.
- They took Snuggles? - Yes!
And?
Sickinger's organization is stealing famous animals!
Jeez! You're welcome for solving the case, doing y our job!
Need me to wipe y our buttfor y ou? I just did!
So when can I get my mom back?
Ten, 20 y ears, I'd say.
What?!
You see, doorstop, a major investigation like this takes on alife all of its own.
I think y our mom's guilty, and I spent all morning on CNN say ing she is.
Her case is putting this agency on the map. Look atwhat they gave us.
And that's just the beginning. Get this.
CSl: Fish and Wildlife.
Guess who's gonna play me?
Gumby.
I didn'twant it to have to come to this, Russell, but now it's on.
Ha!
- Out. - With the pushing!
I am gonna get Sickinger, solve this case, prove my mom's innocent,
and show the world what an idioty ou are!
Nice hair.
(laughing)
This used to be the most pristine Ty rannosaurus skeleton on Earth,
formerly valued at $100 million.
(Ace Jr.) How much is itworth now?
(sighs) Substantially less.
Please do not touch it.
Let's move very carefully to the gift shop.
I don't think itlooks that bad. Here, y ou put it back.
You put it back.
- Yes? - Dr. Sickinger, I presume?
Wait!
Who are y ou?
Ace Ventura Jr. Pet Detective.
- You're kidding me, right? - Do I looklike I'm kidding?
I get it! Young supporters of the cause, y es!
Oh, it's brilliant! Yes, y es. You're never too y oung for political mobilization.
We don'twant to join y our movement.
Look, buddy, my mom's in jail because of y ou,
so tell us where the panda is so we can get him back to the zoo.
If I were going to steal an animal from the zoo,
the panda is the last one I'd take.
I don't think y ou understand.
(plucks guitarstring)
- This is the Madagascan Ay e-ay e. - Ugh!
- The Proboscis Monkey. - Big nose.
Ugh!
The Chinese paddlefish.
The Marabou Stork.
All of them endangered, y et no one's ever heard of them.
- You knowwhy? - No.
They're hideous.
Ugly.
- Butt-ugly, actually. - You got it there.
(Sickinger) Whoops!
Sorry, that one's from vacation.
Ace, shoot me now.
Lights, lights.
And this has what to do with the panda?
Well, every thing!
We put all of these cute creatures in zoos,
and then we spend insane amounts of money to protect them.
And forwhat?
(retches)
I started the Pandafanatic website to get attention for my cause.
That's all.
I didn't kidnap Ting Tang,
or any of those other animals.
All species of animals, including the ugly ones,
should be treated with the same respect as the cute ones, like pandas.
I think I just busted this case wide open.
Amigos, vámonos!
I have a car.
Ace! So what's going on?
Well, here's the plot up until now.
Our perpetrator is stealing famous animals.
And there's none more famous than Calypso.
He play ed the hero unicorn in the epic trilogy that they shot in NewZealand.
His owners are doing a benefit magic performance today,
and I got a feeling our thief is gonna try and steal him there.
Punch it.
Here's the plan. Doc, y ou watch the exits.
Ox.
You watch Doc. Let's go.
Hi.
(Ace Jr.) OK, when we get past this, A-Plus, Laura, split up.
Whoeverfinds Calypso, call in.
We'll stake out the perpetrators and waitfor them to reveal themselves.
I've been looking around here all day.
- I can'tfind Calypso. - He's right over there.
(man) For my next illusion...
- Magic show. ...I need a volunteer.
(crowd shoutss)
- (man) Avolunteer? Who wants to be in the show? - (Ace Jr.) Me! Here! Pick me!
You. How abouty ou?
- No, no, me! Hey, wannabe magic man. - Any one else?
- Me! - Sure, son. OK, go inspect the box.
You'll see that there are no mirrors. There are no strings.
There are no trap doors.
- What's he doing? - I don't know.
Ace Irwin Ventura Jr. Aty our service.
- Don'tworry, y ou'll be OK. - (man) This is what I do.
- Are there any back doors? - There are no back doors.
- Are there any mirrors? - No mirrors!
- All right, go on. - Stranger danger.
- Give him a big hand. - (applause)
Raise the box. You won't believe whaty ou're about to see.
Every one, remain calm.
One, twwo, three!
(crowd cheers)
And now... Close the box.
Raise the box, gentlemen, raise the box. I'm a professional, so nobody try this at home.
And now... Calypso!
What the...?!
- What happened? - (man #2) Where's my horse?
Where's Calypso? That horse gets six million a picture.
- Where's Calypso? - Houdini, I want him back.
That kid right there. The volunteer. He must know something.
What, me? No. Where would I be keeping a horse that big? In my pocket?
- Where's Calypso? - Why don'ty ou check y our mother's house?
- He's justjoking. - Come on!
- Just get him! - Hey, kid!
- Stop! - (Ace Jr.) Slow down, Simba!
- (Laura) Calypso's really gone? - (Ace Jr.) My plan worked!
- (A-Plus) What plan? - I fed him one of y our homing devices.
Strawberry gummy, he loved it. Now he's gonna lead us to whoever's behind all this treachery.
- Get him! - Stop!
Sickinger, start the car! I think they have rabies!
Here. Dog. Car, car!
- Seatbelts! - Seatbelts? What, are y ou kidding me? Let's go!
Where's my horse?!
They're getting off the highway at Palm Grove.
That's where all the rich kids from our school live, butwhere exactly?
- My invitation! - (mocking) My invitation.
You're invited to my birthday partyy this Saturday,
at3421 Tropicana Avenue.
OK, party people. Suit up!
Party? I haven't partied since '99.
Ox, vámonos!
(A-Plus) No, up there. No, wait! Wait, stop, stop! Stop right here!
- No, stop here! Stop! - I'm stopping, backseat driver!
All right, Laura and I are going inside.
If we're not back by three o'clock, implement...
plan B.
Sy nchronize watches.
Let's go.
A red carpet? What is this, an awards show? Where's Joan Rivers when y ou need her?
Hey, y ou, make sure no weirdos get in here. Talk aboutfilthy stinking rich.
Do y ou knowwhere the back of the line is?
How's the wife and kids? What's the word I'm looking for?
- It's very regal. - Exactly. Egomaniacal.
- Thank y ou. - Holy Shaq!
How many puberties have y ou gone through?!
- All right. - Thank y ou.
Wear the wristband at all times.
Whoa. Invite only, kid.
- He's my date. - What, did y ou lose a bet?
Ha ha! You're killing me, Smalls.
How abouty ou pick on somebody y our own size? Like Sasquatch.
Now band me.
- Gray areas are offlimits. - Yeah, y eah, y eah.
(machine bleeps)
- Electronic device. - Here.
Don't touchy the hair! I haven't been treated this badly since I got sick in a country with socialized medicine.
- 10,000 shares of Exxon stock! Awesome! - (disappointed) I got a Rolex.
- Didn'ty ou bring him a gift? - I got him the one thing he doesn't have.
- What? - Nothing.
Holy real estate!
This place probably has its own zip code.
I bety ou we need an exitvisa to get out of here.
Best party ever! Bananas!
Get out of the way. Make room for Mr. Pennington.
Ooh, it's Mr. Big Scary Billionaire Man.
"Pirates of the Caribbean" is the other side of town, sport.
- Don't touch me. - Stay back, people. Thank y ou. Out of the way.
He's mean.
Young ladies and gentlemen,
may I directy our attention to the sky!
The Pennington Estate now proudly presents the momentwe've all been waiting for.
Puty our hands together and welcome my son,
Pennington, Jr.!
(applause)
(girls scream)
- Wow! - Big deal.
(Pennington Jr.) Hi, how are y ou? Great to see y ou. Thanks for coming.
- How are we gonna get inside? - Oh, I know.
Let's crash into the door in our million-dollar personal helicopter.
- Ace. - I'm working on it.
Hey, Laura, glad y ou could make it.
Hi, how are y ou?
Well, I asked my fatherfor the best party ever, and, as y ou can see,
what a Pennington wants, a Pennington gets.
- So please do not embarrass y ourselves... - I got it. Let's go.
...by breaking any of the following rules. Dad?
Gifts in the party bags are not tax deductible.
Do not take any photos.
Any one found to be outside of the designated areas
will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
- Have fun, kids! - (applause)
We'll cut the cake in 45 minutes. Until then, happy birthday to me!
- Ace! - I'm thinking.
- Down here. - Yeah.
Ow! Watch the hair!
Will y ou stop spinning? I'm dizzy!
Let's go. The tunnel oflove.
- In y our dreams, Ace. - How did y ou know about that?
Oxnard. Big mouth!
(Ace Jr.) Follow me.
Who's the man?
They could have seen y ou!
- Why do y ou keep doing that? - That's just how I roll, baby.
(sniffs)
If Scooby-Doo has taught me any thing, it's that one of these books will activate a secret door.
(continues sniffing)
Earthy, sweet, a strong bouquet of bamboo with a slight infusion of crocus.
Just a touch of wild grass and... butt!
I smell panda poop.
Excellenty ear.
- How did y ou know that? - I'm a meddling kid.
Dookie marks the spot. Must be Poo-mas.
Or Jimmy Poo.
The Penningtons think they're smart, but they're poo-pid.
We've caught them brown-footed. They really stepped in it.
OK, Ace, enough of this crap.
You said "crap." You did. OK, fine, fine.
(man) National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife, how can I directyou?
Yes, I have an anony mous tip forAgent Hollander.
Is he currently on... doodie?
(beeping)
- Gum! I need a piece of gum. - Here.
We received an anony mous tip instructing us to come here.
From whom?
Anony mous.
The tip said that the case of the missing panda cub has been solved!
You're the one who called in the tip? That's it, short stack. Nowy ou're in big trouble.
No. He's in big trouble! We found these shoes in his closet!
It proves that my mom didn't steal the panda.
I think I understand.
This cartoon has taken advantage of my son's hospitality.
He's found some cheap costume store haberdashery,
snuck it in as a birthday gift, and planted it in my home.
And now he expects y ou to believe that I used these ridiculous things in the commission of a crime?
Yes! Can y ou believe this guy?! I mean, he's pathetic!
I'm glad I'm not in his shoes! No pun intended.
He's been try ing to save his mom with all sorts of crazy theories.
Get rid of these. He came by the NBFW command center just the other day.
- National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife? - Yeah.
I play golf with y our director. Join us for dinner next time he's in Florida, Agent...?
Russell Hollander. Thatwould be great.
How's the panda investigation coming? I read...
Hey, Hometown! You're not here to be interviewed!
Arrest this guy, and let my mom out!
Would y ou excuse me for one second, Mr. Pennington?
Call me Pennington.
Don'tworry, Ventura. I'm gonna make an arrest. Two of them, in fact. Because y ou're out of control!
You wanna see out of control? Let's go, right now! Ha!
Ha! I win, bedhead. Take these twwo in!
Ex-squeeze me?
I'll make sure y ou're locked up until the panda case is completed. We don't need more distractions.
(beeping)
Three o'clock!
- What the hell is that? - Plan B.
- Sorry! Sorry! - (panda noises play on stereo)
- Ah, panda song. - Here we go.
Uh-oh. Hello!
The sweet sound of a mother panda calling her y oung.
Oops! We're out of power!
- The house is clean! - (panda noises continue)
- Check around back! - OK.
They're small. Why did y ou let them go?
Turn it up! Go! Ting Tang will hear his mom calling him!
- Let's go! - Get the guy with the boom box!
(Ace Jr.) Over there, point it over there!
Congratulations. You found my horse stalls.
- Sir, I apologize for the misunderstanding. - Get him off my property!
Silence! They're all here.
Come on, half pint, I'm getting tired of this.
Ha!
Don't go near those doors!
(Ace Jr.) Princess! Tabby!
Otter! Piggy!
Tortoise! Freedom the Hawk! Be free!
Possum!
Ting Tang, I found y ou! Touchdown!
Go to the hay stack! I'll be right back!
Oh, no, y ou don't.
Come to me, my jungle friends!
(yells)
Vámonos, amigos.
You had every thing, sir. Why did y ou do this?
I decided to start an animal collection.
I wanted only the mostfamous pieces.
Smooth ride for stolen property, Pennington.
And what a Pennington wants,
a Pennington gets.
Mr. Pennington, Sr., sir, y ou're under arrest.
(various animal noises)
(imitates dice rolling) Whack!
Yahtzee!
What's that on y our tie?
I win.
- Exit stage left. - Come on.
He's going to jail, he's going to jail!
Ace, y ou're a really great pet detective.
What can I say?
Like father, like son.
I'm good, I'm good. Let's go.
So when are y ou gonna find my koi fish?
I just solved a huge case! I'm working on it.
Nothing to see here. Just one of y ourfellow classmates
taking down a powerful billionaire for stealing celebrity animals.
Hey, I knowwhere y ou're going, and my future license plate is going to be
"ACE JR."
Where's he going?
Like father, like son.
Like father, like son! Come on!
You guy s wanty our pets or not? Come on!
(girl) Mr. Chompers! You stole our pets?
I'm the pet detective here. He stole y our pets.
He wants to be justlike his dad.
Cruel, shallow, and selfish.
You forgotfilthy rich and egomaniacal.
We're Penningtons. We can have whatwe want!
Oh, y ou're quite a pair. But this time an Ace trumps a pair!
(laughs)
You did notjust make thatlame joke.
Oh, I did, sir! And y ou and y our dad are going to look great in matching orange jumpsuits.
You think y ou're a good detective?
- Solve this. - (alligatorgrowls)
The fish...
is about to disappear.
- Greeny! - No!
Come on, I need help!
Open his mouth, I'm going in.
- (Sickinger) No! - Five of y ou are going on a mission.
Couple of y ou probably aren't coming back.
Ace, be careful!
What the...? Mazel tov.
(girl) Easy, Mr. Chompers.
That's where my hairdry erwent.
His mouth is closing! People, his mouth is closing!
I think I got him! I got him!
(Sickinger) Careful!
Ewww! I think I just squeezed his liver! That's disgusting!
Greeny!
No!
Way to go, Sparky!
Grandpa, what are y ou doing here?
I'm taking ten minutes off from retirement to help y ou wrap up y ourfirst case.
- Thanks, Grandpa. - Hey, Sparky, good going! Good Sparky!
I told y ou. I told y ou he was sleeping.
Who had the hamster? And the snake, and the turtle...
- Thanks, Ace. - It's what I do.
Now, Laura, since I solved y our case...
there was something I kind of wanted to tell y ou.
What?
Well, it all kind of started when I mety ou in third grade...
Don't be shy, Ace.
You like me. You have a crush on me.
No.
I have a huge crush on y ou!
That's what I just said.
I'm good, I'm good now. All right, let me just get my sealegs. This way.
I am Ace Ventura Jr., Pet Detective.
And I declare all of y our cases...
closed!
(cheering)
(crowd chantss) Ace! Ace! Ace!
Ace Jr... y ou're the man!
Actually, y ou knowwhat, Grandpa? You're right! I am the man!
Get over here, Laura.
- I am so proud of y ou, Ace. - Ventura!
- Thank y ou, honey. - I love y ou, too, Mom.
All righty, then!